Home 1 year!

I can't believe it's been a year.  I really can't believe all the changes that have gone on in this year.  Anna has grown 4" and gained 5 lbs.  She has hair that I can put in a little pony tail.  She gives and receives love from each member of our family.  She has had two surgeries and countless doctor's appointments.  And I have learned so much this year.  I have consulted my adoption books, my adoption groups, doctors, other adoptive blogs, and I have prayed that God would give me the strength to carry on. 

We arrived home one year ago, exhausted, joyful, grumpy and hungry.  The trip was wonderful, but it was not as I had planned. 

Anna was not happy to have me in her life.

I had so looked forward to cradling my little girl in my arms.  I wanted to dress her up and show her off.  And she rejected me.  I knew there would be a transition, grieving, but I wasn't prepared for "Only Daddy Will Do".  If I held her after the first full day, she cried, she screamed, and when she was back in my husband's arms, it was peace, a scared, timid, I need security kind of peace. It was especially bad the time we left our breakfast tickets in the room and my husband shoved her into my arms and jumped back on the elevator to get them!  Yikes, there I stood in the lobby with her screaming while everyone wondered what I was doing to her.  I was mad, sad, embarrassed, and indignant.  Didn't she know that I had done all the stacks of paperwork????  My arms were empty while the other moms in our adoption group were bonding with their little ones.  It hurt.  My wonderful husband and I continued to work as a team.  I was responsible for diaper changes and for feeding.  I had to get my foot in the door somewhere.  My two oldest boys were on the trip with us, and I was so grateful.  I was able to spend time with them and not totally feel like a third wheel between my husband and Anna.  I prayed that I would be able to show my daughter the love that God shows each of us.  But, I'm a sinner saved by grace.  I am not perfect.  I had to battle my will and my wants each day to show her that I would be patient.  To show her that I could be trusted.  By the time we reached home, I just wanted to hold my youngest son who I knew would be glad to be in my arms.  It was too late to pick him up, so we took our daughter home for her first night in her new house.  I wanted so badly to show her around and introduce her to her new room.  But, she was having none of it.  Looking back, I know it was a scary time for her.  I know that I was expecting too much.  I broke.  I sat in the nursery that I had been so excited to prepare and I cried.  Big, ugly tears of exhaustion and broken dreams.  Once I finally got myself together, I again realized that it would take time.  My husband had to do the nighttime routine.  She wouldn't let me even pat her on the back.  He had to return to work the following week, and she stood at the door with her arms out and cried.  It was pitiful.  She would go down for a nap on her own, and I think it was to get away from me.  She would light up when my husband got home.  We went on day by day, and she slowly let me in.  As she watched my interaction with our other children, she started joining in.  Maybe I wasn't so bad after all!  It has been a long year, but I can finally say that Anna loves and trusts me.  Anna lets me cradle her in my arms.  She rests her head on my shoulder, and she gives me wet sloppy kisses and great big hugs.  I get to dress her up and show her off.  I am so grateful that God was able to use my broken dreams to teach me to be patient and to teach me that I can trust Him.  His love never fails, and neither will mine for my beautiful daughter.

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:39

This is where I will end posting on this blog.  I kept this blog going so that I could make Anna a one year "baby" book.  I have a family picture that I plan to post here once I get it from the photographer.  Then, it's off to the printer.  If you want to continue to follow our family, you can find me blogging sort of regularly at www.raisinglittlemen.blogspot.com